We have found that some FRIENDS/FAMILY are great during a hard time….and some need some help. We have drafted two letters to get you going. Use these and adapt them to your situation. The goal is to bring understanding and have a clear vision of what help is for you. Change them, add to them, make them yours. -Katie and Miriam
Dear Family,
I am going through an extremely difficult time right now. Watching my marriage fall apart is devastating and has ripped the foundation from under me. I feel fragmented and am having to juggle many different roles right now. I am trying to figure out how to grieve healthfully, fight for my marriage (or break free from it), be present for my children, listen to God and keep up with the daily responsibilities of my life. I am struggling to focus on anything. I am hurt, confused and angry. I am just trying to survive.
I know that you all love me very much and that this grieves you deeply. I respect that you are experiencing a different kind of grief as you watch me go through this. I know that you would do anything to stop the pain and save me. You feel just as helpless as I do. I need you now more than ever, but I need you in the ways that help me heal most. Walk beside me through this and try to keep your own emotions about the situation separate from me. I can only handle my own right now. This may mean that I need you to back off and not ask me questions. Wait until I come to you for advice. I am still an adult and the mother of my children. I have to be respected in this role even as I experience this crisis. I need you to be patient with me as I make sense of this. Too many opinions only muddy the waters. Sometimes I will seek out your companionship often and sometimes I will need to retreat more privately. I may be foggy and a shadow of who I was. Don’t try to force me out of this place. I will deal with each issue in my own time. Please do not be offended by my inability to be in relationship with you right now and give to you in the way that you give to me. I do not have the energy for that right now, but I am anxious for a time when I can.
Pray for me. Be available for me. Show me grace. Remind me that God is faithful. Remind me that I will survive this. Remind me that you will support me through this and then wait patiently until this crisis passes. I look forward to returning to you whole.
I love and appreciate you all.
Sincerely,
Dear Friend,
I am going through an extremely difficult time right now. Watching my marriage fall apart is devastating and has ripped the foundation from under me. I feel fragmented and am having to juggle many different roles right now. I am trying to figure out how to grieve healthfully, fight for my marriage (or break free from it), be present for my children, listen to God and keep up with the daily responsibilities of my life. I am struggling to focus on anything. I am hurt, confused and angry. I am just trying to survive.
I know that you love me very much and that this grieves you deeply. I respect that you are experiencing a different kind of grief as you watch me go through this. I know that you would do anything to stop the pain and save me. You feel just as helpless as I do. I need you now more than ever, but I need you in the ways that help me heal most. I am not able to be the kind of friend that I used to be because I feel foggy and distracted in this pain. I need you to be here for me even though I may not be emotionally present for you. This will require patience and grace on your part. Some days I will need you to help me in the practical responsibilities of my life—cooking dinner, cleaning my house, doing a load of laundry, taking my kids for a few hours. Other times I will need you to be a listening ear. I will ask you for advice when I am ready, but I will often just need a non-judgmental sounding board. The most meaningful and helpful moments for me are when you are willing to just sit with me in the pain—not fill the silence, not come up with suggestions. Just be with me.
I am still a woman despite this trial I am walking through. Sometimes I need a distraction, a day at the beach, a movie and dinner, a trip to the mall, a walk outside. Remind me of whom I am as a person; remind me of my value as a friend. Help me stay in touch with myself, my sense of humor, my intellect, my ability to love. Walk beside me through this and try to keep your own emotions about the situation separate from me. I can only handle my own right now. Thank you for being my friend through thick and thin. I appreciate you more than you know.
Sincerely,