She’s Back!!
Posted on Sunday, October 14, 2007 by oneP3 | (0) Comments
It has been a long time since I have written here. So much has happened and I guess it all felt so transitional, I was waiting for some sort of resolution before telling the story further. It seems so hard to know what to say and when. But now, there is a definite ending at least to part of this saga. After I divorced my husband, he continued to pursue me and tell me that he was committed to cooperating with God so that His best miracle could happen in the reconciliation of our marriage. He started making some outward signs of change. I continued on with my life, open to the possibility of reconciliation, and honestly somehow still miraculously desiring it, but guarded and ready to move on completely. That was an intellectual decision, of course, because it is impossible to actually be emotionally on such conflicting trajectories. He continued this pursuing for several months and recently came to visit. A week after he left, I “happened” on evidence that confirmed he was still deeply involved in the affair and was moving it, also, to a very serious place. He continued to lie to both of us.I can probably write entries entirely inspired by the 24 hours that followed that discovery, but for now I will leave the details there. During that whole time, I continued to ask God to shut any doors that He knew were not best for my daughter and I and I continued to follow where I felt Him leading. Needless to say, I believe that the Lord has closed this door once and for all. My former husband has chosen the other relationship and is pouring his attention and energy into restoring that. So I am left now, a little more damaged than before this last bout of reconciliation and still confused. But, I feel closure in a way that I haven’t in all this time.
When Jesus is talking to Nicodemus in the Bible, He compares the Holy Spirit to the wind, saying that we never know where it is coming from or where it is going. I have found that so true in this last year and a half. The way the Lord works is unpredictable and impossible to figure out. I believe that He has had some divine purpose all along as He weaves His sovereignty and our free will into the story of my life. And I trust that He is good. I don’t know this like I intellectually know other things. But it is a sacrifice that I make to Him to believe. I have just as many hopes and dreams now as I always have, maybe more. I am humbled, vulnerable and irrecoverably scarred. But I’m not so sure that that is a bad thing. It feels truly horrible, but I think that I will come to learn that it is the most bittersweet gift. To survive, I surround myself with the truth. I remind myself that the Lord is enthralled with my beauty and that He will turn my wailing into dancing (and I started learning how to salsa dance—ha ha) and I continue to tell myself a thousand other moment by moment truths.
Every once and awhile, when I am not drowning in dirty diapers and pretend tea parties or am not buried in my grad school books, I remember the verse that the Lord laid on LS’s and my heart what felt like light years ago. What does it mean now? How do I live this out on this side of the struggle? I found a follow-up verse to 1 Peter 3 that gently prompts me forward. I happened on this in my devotions yesterday. I think God has pretty clearly told me what it means.
Phillipians 4:5
“Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.”
Peace out, everybody,
PP